I'm a Pregnant Elephant

It sounds offensive, I know, but it's not intended to be.  You see, Asian Elephants are pregnant between 18-22 months.  We first got pregnant in October 2016.  Our first miscarriage was in late December 2016 (read about it here), then pregnant again in March 2017, followed by a miscarriage in late April 2017 (read about that one here).  Then we conceived again in August 2017 and we just hit our 20-week mark and are due at the end of April.  So if you combine all those together, I've basically been pregnant like an elephant.  It's been a total of 19 months of my body being extremely confused and going through the most radical rollercoaster of changes during that time.

Elephants are pregnant for so long because there's a lot of development going on.  They are the one of the largest mammals, so it makes sense that they have the longest period of growing a baby.  Maybe the comparison here for me is the maturity growth I've needed over this time.  It's clear to me the ways that God has already moved in this journey.

It started with the word humility at the start of 2016 - -  a trait I lacked for sure.  But it was humility that I needed to go through our first miscarriage.  Humility to be able to say "I need help" or "I'm not okay" or "no I can't" and to reveal our truth.  I needed (and still need) humility to talk openly and be vulnerable about our story.

A year later in early 2017, the new word for the year was patience. And boy did I need patience!  There's something very lonely after going through a life changing event, where at some point everyone drifts away.  There's not a lot of support anymore because it only goes for so long.  So at times you're alone and isolated.  That's when you start to question things and truly feel the feelings of sadness.  I needed patience when the friends around me were getting pregnant on seemingly their first try.  I needed patience to heal and then to conceive again.  When we got pregnant the second time, I needed patience for each day that passed by.  When we went through the physical part of our second miscarriage, which was a complete blind side, I needed patience for my husband who was rightfully angry and upset.  I needed patience to process the passing since it was completely different than the first.  And I use patience now for every day and every week that passes that we are still pregnant with our baby now.

Today is a joyous day.  A celebratory day for Austin and myself.  We just had our 20-week scan and praise God that all things are measuring healthy.  Our little boy, Merrick Landau, is doing amazing!  He was curled and tucked up during the scan, but active and constantly moving.  Because of that, I need to go back next week to get a couple more measurements, but all that means for me is I get to see our little boy again.  The doctor confirmed that everything looked great as well and saw no signs of concern.

We are overjoyed, excited and praising God for the journey, humility and continued patience and for His will, not ours.  He always has a great plan.

Our Second Miscarriage

Here we are again.  We had a second miscarriage last week. Our first was back in December (read more here).  This one was different though.  We had no idea we should even expect a miscarriage.  It felt like a strong right hook across your face, but you never saw the punch coming.  Afterwards you're spinning, confused and lost.  But most of all, it stings.

We were up in Dallas for a work event when all this went down.  I was almost 7 weeks and I started having severe symptoms.  Because of my experience with Shrubs #1 (we are the Bush family, so our little babies are called Shrubs), I knew Shrubs #2 was in danger.  It was there in an emergency clinic in Arlington, TX at 1 A.M. where we learned there was no heartbeat and my body was in fact going through a miscarriage.  There is no explanation.

We wanted to get back home to see my doctor first thing in the morning because we didn't know what was to follow.  So my husband and I drove through the night back to Round Rock and got in at 5 AM.  The drive time was therapeutic and we got to discuss our feelings and really process everything that just happened.

They say each pregnancy and delivery is different.  They're right.  Just like each miscarriage is different.  This one took my body five days to process and I was able to avoid surgery.  Whereas last time I had to have an emergency D&C.

We are heartbroken and sad, but we remain faithful.  Here is what God has revealed to me so far (and I love that it's a refreshing and different message than last time.)

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials." - 1 Peter 1:6

Trials are part of the refining process.  Just like gold when it's heated.  The impurities float to the top and can be skimmed off refining it.  All believers face trials when they let their light shine into the darkness.  These trials should strengthen our faith.

We must take away these three things:

CONFIDENCE: It's hard to understand the "why" when these things happen (especially as a millennial).  We must have confidence that God will align our desires with his purpose.  "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37:4.

PERSEVERANCE:  Expressing grief and sadness is okay, but persevere and do not give into bitterness and despair.  Satan (the enemy) is full of bitter, envy, selfish ambition, disorder and evil.  But our God and his wisdom is full of mercy, grace, love, peace and righteousness.

COURAGE:  Jesus died for us.  He will never abandon us.  Jesus carries us through everything.

James tells us the same message.  "Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4.  "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." - James 1:12. 

James says "whenever", not "if".  We WILL go through trials.  Tough times teach us perseverance (patience or steadfastness).  We are called to maintain a positive outlook when he says "consider it pure joy."  I choose joy.

Joy knowing that Shrubs #1 and Shrubs #2 are in heaven.  Joy in the fact that when those babies opened their eyes for the first time they saw Jesus.  Joy that I had them, even if just for a moment.

Each day will not be easy or joyful.  But that's where, with our faith, we will persevere.

We don't really know the depth of our character until we see how we react under pressure and trials.  This is part of the refining process.  God will not leave us alone when we go through pain and suffering.  He will be alongside us, holding, growing and maturing us. We just need to hold on to the faith.

I share our story with you because I am called to.  I am an ambassador of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20) and Jesus himself tells us, "What I tell you in the dark, speak in daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs." - Matthew 10:27.

For myself and for you, know this.  God loves you so much he gave his only son (John 3:16).  He has loved you at your darkest (Romans 5:8).  He saw you before the light of day and knows the plans he has for you (Jeremiah 1:5).  He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless (Isaiah 40:29).  God will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

This has brought me peace and I pray it will bring you peace too.  'Thy will be done.'  God will fulfill every promise.  All of his plans will come to light.  Rest in that.  Find peace.  There is no need to stress between now and when his plans are fulfilled because they are going to be completed no matter what.  So why stress in the process?

Now... we wait.  As patiently as possible, we wait.  We wait, while also knowing what we're waiting for might not fall in line exactly with what we hope for.  Yet, we must remain steadfast that our happiness is in the promise and plan of Jesus alone.  So while we wait, obedience is key above all else.

Finding Peace in our Miscarriage

December 28th our first pregnancy ended.  We had a miscarriage. It was confirmed that the heartbeat had stopped at 9 weeks & 2 days, but the baby had not passed yet.  We had some difficult decisions to be made and a lot of pain physically to be endured.  I’m going to tell you about our sweet journey and how we accepted grace and are giving glory to God in all of this.

But here’s what I need you to know before reading any further.  This is our story, our perspective and our experience.  Each experience is different.  For the mothers that have gone through this, are going through this, or might go through this, our story is not to inflict guilt, shame or anything negative, but to shed light on the positive.  For those that have not and will never go through something like this, this story is for you to read and learn, not to judge or condemn.  To set some firm boundaries, I will only accept positive words of encouragement and love.  If you do not like our story that is fine.  Just move along then.

There’s a long faithful story on how we got to baby #1 with patience and faith.  That’s for another blog post.  I’m going to refer to our baby as Shrubs.  We are the Bushes and we nicknamed our little baby Shrubs.   The estimated due date was July 31. 2017.  We were thrilled to be first time parents after almost 7 years of marriage.  At our first appointment the gestational sac was measuring 2 weeks behind the size of the baby.  That increased our risk of miscarriage to about 50%.  Austin and I were both very positive, faithful and had no reason to believe why this wouldn’t work out.

On Christmas morning I had some very light bleeding that brought me to tears.  This is a “normal” side effect of a first trimester pregnancy, but with the uphill battle we had, it gave me great fear.  As we know, the enemy loves to plant fear in our lives.  It gives us doubt and persuades us not to do things that maybe God wants us to do.

Two days later I had severe cramping and even more bleeding.  The next day we saw the doctor and had an ultrasound that confirmed our worst case scenario. At 9 weeks and 2 days, Shrubs’ heartbeat had stopped.  With reassurance from the doctor, there was nothing, I mean nothing, that we could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of this pregnancy.  Here’s what I thought in that moment: Shrubs was not meant to be.  I have faith in our all powerful creator.  “For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace” - 1 Corinthians 14:33.  He knows what He is doing.  God is not confused or disorganized, but the master of the master plan.  God has mine & Austin’s child(ren) already hand picked.  They might be biological children, adopted children or a mix. Not sure yet.  But I will find out.

Tears were shed.  Mostly uncontrollable hormonal tears.  I had great insight from a friend who was all too familiar with our situation.  Allowing Shrubs to pass naturally can take up to 8 weeks.  Our other options were pills to induce the passing, or a D&C to medically remove Shrubs.  We opted to start the pills the next day, but if it failed, we scheduled a D&C for the following day.

The process started naturally that evening and I was in severe pain.  Remember, every pregnancy, miscarriage and birth are different.  That’s why the decision making process can be so hard.  There are so many different variables for each individual.  To put my pain tolerance into perspective, I had my gallbladder surgically removed in 2013 and I had a broken disk removed from my back in 2015.  Both times after surgery, I refused medicine and endured the pain naturally.  But this… this was a whole different ball game.  I was cramping so bad it brought me to my knees, I was throwing up with chills and sweating.  My body was rejecting what had happened inside with Shrubs and it wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.  My biggest fear in life is death.  In that moment, I was perfectly at peace dying. Because it would have taken all the pain away and I would be heaven bound.  So we made the move to go to the ER.

Morphine never felt so good!  Eventually at 1AM I had a D&C and had Shrubs surgically removed.  It was the right decision for us.  It was better to happen then, instead of enduring the pain for another 48 hours until my scheduled D&C.  It worked for us and we are happy with our decision. It allows us to heal physically from this faster, and move forward.

Here’s what I really want to share with you all.  My resounding message in all of this is to accept grace and seek God.  Grace is unconditional kindness issued to someone who doesn’t necessarily deserve it.  Grace wins every time!

Yes, I am sad we lost Shrubs.  But I have peace. I know that one day we will have a Baby Bush to love on.  And we will be happy. Or maybe there is no Baby Bush in our future.  And we will be happy.  This cannot define our happiness.  Only knowing that God is in control and that Jesus died for my sins can define our happiness.

I have a handful of friends that have had miscarriages.  Some now have kids, and some don’t.  Some are still trying and some are happily living as just a married couple with no kids.   But from what I’ve seen, I have learned what not to do and what to do.

For us, this is what to do:

• Stay focused on God and accept His grace!
• Stay positive and see the glory in the good. I’m so thankful for the timing of our miscarriage.  I was able to get through the busiest time of work without any complications, I was able to enjoy my 30th birthday party and was able to have almost a week-long vacation with my parents.  I’m so thankful for the great doctors and nurses and for a patient and loving husband.  I’m thankful this all wrapped up when it did, so I can start 2017 with a fresh start.  So many positives.
• Bring people in.  We have such an incredible support group of friends and family.  We made the choice to tell some of them about Shrubs, and then also share with them news about the complications and ultimately the miscarriage.  I’ve never received more delivered cookies in my life! :)  They have been very sweet and I know most of them have been praying for us, making this all a little easier.
• Be honest.  It’s okay to be sad, angry or confused.  But be honest and talk about it.  Seek help if you need help.  It’s okay to grieve and process everything that just happened.

For us, this is what we’ve learned not to do:

• Don’t isolate yourself.  This will only make things worse.  The enemy will attack.  You’ll start blaming yourself or hating God.  Putting up a wall and not letting people love you won’t make any of this go away.
• Ignoring this issue.  This is life. It happened.  It sucks.  I’m sorry if this has happened to you.  I’m sure there are some future dates that will suck for us.  Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Shrubs’ due date immediately come to mind.  But they shouldn’t be ignored.  They need to be tackled head on.
• Not talking to your partner.  Communication is huge!  Austin and I talked about every decision along the way.  His support, patience and love can never be measured.  After it all passed, we had the hard conversations.  Do we still want to try to have kids?  If so, then when?  When is too soon? When do we stop trying?  How are you feeling?  What are your thoughts?  How do you feel today?  Are you comfortable with the decisions we made?  What would you do differently?  How do you want to talk about it?  Who do we need to inform next?  Etc.  This can go on forever!  Just talk it out and get on the same page.

Here are some truths for you to focus on that I’ve found that are helpful.

“The Lord is greater than the giants you face.” - 1 John 4:4

He is greater!  No matter the problem, He will overcome.  Evil is stronger than we are, but God is even stronger.  

“I will sustain you.” - Isaiah 46:4

He will sustain us.  How comforting is this?!  He is a powerful God.  He needs nothing else.  He loves us through death by sending his only son to die on the cross for our sins.  He’s the ultimate giver.

“Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9

God’s promise is that he will always be with us.  God’s plan is greater than any of our plans will ever be and we must be faithful in His truth.  Just because you’ve gone through a miscarriage (or multiple ones) doesn’t mean that God won’t provide.  Remember...

“God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.” - 1 Corinthians 14:33

He knows what he is doing.  Our God is a God of order and the master of the master plan.  He offers peace and truth and light.  Let this give you rest.  He does not make mistakes.  We can the play the “what if” game all day.  Maybe losing Shrubs was because he was going to have a medical disorder that we wouldn’t be able to afford … or maybe it would have killed me and I haven’t accomplished God’s plan for me on Earth yet … or maybe he’s going to give us twins later on so I only have to have one birth instead of two.  Who knows!?! This game can go on forever, but I know that our God is powerful and mighty and trustworthy. And if he’s got a bigger plan than mine, then I want that too.

“Be completely humble, and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. - Ephesians 4:23

Women unite!  Miscarriage is not a topic to judge or tear people down.  Everyone and every situation is different. I encourage you to love on everyone. If you know someone who went through this or is going through this and you don’t know what to say, just say “I’m sorry”.  And be there for them.  Love on them and pray for them however they may need it.  We are to be united in Christ.  We all have flaws and we deal with things in different ways.  I’ve found my peace right now in losing Shrubs.  Others haven’t.  I might not always have this peace, but this is why I must always seek Him. Which leads me to…

“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” - Matthew 7:7-8

Ask for what you’re looking for.  Pray for it boldly.  Seek Him constantly.  That’s what I need to constantly push myself to do.  And knock.  The door will be opened for you.  There’s no if, ands or buts about it.  It will be opened.  But it’s His timing, remember, he’s the master of the master plan.

We have found our peace and happiness in the miscarriage of Shrubs.  We will meet Shrubs in heaven one day and this is how it was all supposed to work out.